“Don’t Get Caught Buck Naked.” Sounds like some pretty sound relationship advice, doesn’t it? In fact, this tool is effective in just about any relationship you can conceive; professional, friendship, parent to child, child to parent, or (unfortunately) some marriages and romances. I learned this valuable lesson, and how to apply this technique in relationships, through an embarrassing and avoidable situation.
How We Got There
In March of 2009 I went on a cruise with my in-laws Bob and Joy,my wife, and daughter. We had adjacent staterooms so we asked the attendant to open the divider between our balconies in order to have a mega-balcony for everyone to enjoy. This set up worked out great with the exception of one unfavorable encounter.
The Situation
When I get dressed I tend to take my time and dawdle a bit. This is especially true if I’m going to be wearing a suit. On one of the formal nights I had the room to myself and was just out of the shower. I took advantage of the opportunity to take my time and air dry. There I was, walking around buck naked not even considering the possibility of someone walking by the sliding glass door. I didn’t look to see if the blinds were closed. The last thing I expected to see was Bob standing at the door, frozen in place. But that is precisely what I saw. As our eyes locked, I realized the current physical state I was in. I suddenly became conscious of the situation and immediately dropped to the floor yelling “Naked!” as he turned his back to the door.
The Lesson Learned
Of course, we never spoke of this again but I was able to learn some valuable lessons.
In any relationship, clear and honest communication is critical. The only way another human being can be aware of our wants, needs, or our boundaries is to be clear in our communication. Had I communicated clearly to my in-laws that they may want to knock before popping in front of our door, we could have avoided an embarrassing situation.
If you are up front and clear with people you engage on any level, there are no misunderstandings.
To have successful relationships you must know where your partner stands and what is important to them.
For any relationship to work, the lines of communication must be wide open. This can’t be a one-way street. Both sides need to be open and both sides must listen. That way no one gets caught buck-naked.
“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”~ Carl W. Buechner
People are inspired by emotion. When we are able to feel something we are motivated. It doesn’t matter what the feeling is, in order to make a connection with another person there must be emotions involved.
It is easy to see the connection when there is a shared opinion or something about which both parties agree. What we often fail to see is the emotional connection created when we disagree. As a result of disagreements we often create destructive interactions. What if we were able to recognize the connection created as a result of these emotions? What if we were able to recognize the passion of the person with whom we disagree? I know this is idealistic but isn’t it something we could practice?
It is worth a try. Seeing past petty disagreements to find an opportunity to connect is certainly more productive than harboring resentment and fostering hatred. We may not always agree with everyone but we can certainly create an environment of love and understanding. You can practice creating harmony by:
Showing respect for someone else’s passion. This doesn’t mean to agree with everything. Diverse opinions add richness to our experiences. This means to focus on what you love before focusing on why others are wrong. This love is what inspires others. This passion is what encourages positive change.
Walking away from a heated exchange. Remember, you don’t always have to be “right.” It may serve everyone well to disengage from a conversation going nowhere than to get the other person to back down.
Admit when you are wrong. Often people will allow time to heal all wounds. In reality, until a wrong is acknowledged, it doesn’t go away. The person who made the mistake spends energy covering up, the person who was affected waits for an apology. Oops, it doesn’t just go away.
Peace and harmony in relationships can be a challenge to achieve and almost impossible to maintain. Relax, no one is perfect. However, a lot of bad blood can be avoided all together by following some simple guidelines. With a little ego deflation, compatibility is a lot more likely.
You will motivate other people whether you are aware of it or not. You will elicit an emotional response. Will it be one of enthusiasm or fear? It really depends on your ability to put your genuine concern for other people’s well-being before your pride.
There is a time and a place to share your opinions. You have developed your perspectives from the many experiences you have gathered throughout your life. The lessons you have learned allow you to be of service to others who may benefit from your knowledge. In order to impart this information effectively, you must first be able to listen.
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
~ Ralph Nichols
I am willing to bet you have never gotten into trouble for listening too much! In fact, your ability to be consciously attentive is what enables you to connect with those you love on a much deeper level. When you take the time to truly listen to whoever is speaking to you, the necessary response (if any) becomes clearer. Clarity is created for both of you when you are present for someone who needs to talk.
Techniques to improve listening:
Make eye contact, or if you are on the phone, turn off the TV, computer and take time out during your conversation to give your full attention.
Don’t try to “read between the lines.” If you aren’t sure about something, ask for clarity. Curiosity can create clarity for both of you.
Let go of any judgment you may have about the conversation. See it as an opportunity to connect with another person, instead of a debate.
Listening is a skill to practice. It can be difficult at first, so go easy on yourself. Just keep practicing because if close connections are a priority for you, it is definitely something worth doing well.
It is difficult to realize that no one else is, or can be, responsible for your happiness. Although you may convince yourself that it is impossible to feel complete without the link to specific individuals, it is this system of beliefs that will limit you from reaching your potential.
You always have something to give. Your perceptions, experiences, and wisdom carry the power and insight to change the world. When you share your knowledge with others, the bond you create is lasting. It is the person who sits and waits to be served who is always left disappointed and unfulfilled.
Here are some simple steps you can use to realize your power and positively change your relationships (no matter how down on yourself you may be):
Write down your area of expertise. (If there is more than one, great! If you can’t think of one, write down the first thing that comes to mind.)
Write down someone you know who could benefit from your knowledge. (If not one individual, perhaps a group you could help.)
Commit to a time and develop a plan as to how you will sit down and share with this person (or group.)
Keep this really simple. Chances are, the person you could help the most is around you all of the time. Remember it is about you giving. Don’t concern yourself with how you are received; it is none of your business what others think of you. Build your relationships on your own terms. Begin with an attitude of service and you will immediately feel better about yourself and the gifts you came to share.
*This post previously appeared as an article in my weekly e-mail entitled: Weekly Perspectives. The video version is below.
“Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination.” ~ William Arthur Ward
It is hard to deny that so much of success and happiness is based on having the proper mind-set. Most are aware that a positive attitude is key to the expansion of forward thinking. Of course, optimism alone accomplishes nothing. One must be willing to take action to ensure progress.
In order to connect with limitless possibility it is necessary to commit to creating supportive relationships. This can involve many challenges because supportive doesn’t always mean comfortable. A regular evaluation of an individual’s relationships can create an environment of movement.
A Simple Assessment
Does this relationship challenge my ideas?
Do conversations support expansion of thinking or suppression of ideas?
Does this relationship encourage compassion?
Answers to these questions can provide tremendous insight into the condition of any relationship. With this awareness a person can find a specific direction to go in to continue personal growth. Expanded comprehension certainly shifts attitudes, inspires action, and strengthens resolve.
Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. However, the process of building and maintaining a relationship does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.
How you live and perceive life is a choice.
A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100%commitment to its success.
Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.
Relax with the awareness that you are seeking ways to improve your ability to live a joyful life. The condition of your relationships will allow happiness to be your focal point. Even when challenges arise you will be supported and loved. As your perspective improves, fear and negativity fall away. The limiting beliefs you have held onto no longer serve the purpose they once did. The responsibility you take for the conditions in your life will free you from the need to obsessive with your fear. As a result, your life will blossom.
It is important to identify the fears stopping you from accomplishing your goals of falling in love with your life and building intimate relationships with others. Having a desire to change is essential to this process. It is also important to be aware of the feelings attached to these detrimental fears. For example, I know the feeling I get when I am manifesting my fear into anger. It’s the kind of fear that rests in the pit of your stomach. When I have that feeling I automatically go into a defensive mindset. When I am defensive, I want to attack someone or something.
Once I identify the feeling, I am alerted to what is happening. This feeling creates a level of discomfort which empowers me to change. Without it, I may not find the motivation to change. Through this acknowledgement I am able to let go of my fears and anger and return to joy.
Drop the Judgment
Don’t fall into the trap of believing your feelings are right or wrong, good or bad. Accept that they just are. By letting go of self judgment, you empower yourself to appropriately respond to your emotions. These feelings are guides. They are indicators as to whether you are moving in the direction of happiness and joy. You can change the way you associate with your feelings.
Three Simple Steps
Observe and acknowledge when you have strong emotional responses
Notice the labels you place on your emotions
When you find yourself in self-flagellation as a result of a feeling, remember it is words and actions that have an effect, not emotions. If you don’t like how you feel, change what you do
You possess the power to change the way you feel. It isn’t as complicated as it may seem. Keep things simple and take it easy with how you think of yourself.
The more you are able to recognize your patterns of fear and negativity, the more you can create positive and loving relationships in your life.
Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If you see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of you, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When you are able to truly take responsibility for your decisions and actions, you can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.
Grow Without Pain
Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. This process does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.
• How you live and perceive life is a choice.
• A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100% commitment to its success.
• Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.
• The only actions you can truly control are your own.
• Building relationships can be complicated. In order to build strong relationships you must take responsibility for your own actions.
As an employer, I depend upon my employees having a 100 percent commitment to their jobs. They depend on me having a 100 percent commitment to mine. As a result of these commitments, we have strong work relationships.
A successful business is built on strong relationships.
Whether it is the employer to employee, co-worker to co-worker, or the business’ relationship with its clients, a business cannot succeed without all of these relationships functioning in a positive manner.
A business relationships’ success is predicated on an individual’s ability to be 100 percent committed to it. If the relationship was viewed as 50/50, one party would be in a position to do nothing but react to what the other party is doing. When people are reactive, their emotions are overriding their intellect. As a result of this dynamic, solid decisions are more difficult to make.
Intellect before emotion!
Business relationships sometimes begin as a result of emotional attraction. However, an honest assessment of compatibility must be made. As in any other relationship, the emotions are only one consideration. Here are some simple questions to answer when evaluating a business, or any other, relationship:
What value do I bring to the other person, what do I have to offer?
What value does the other person offer me?
How will this partnership benefit everyone involved?
Having the ability to answer these questions honestly will have a dramatic affect on your success. Any relationship should provide benefits to all involved parties.
Achieving a balance between emotional motivation and sound judgement is a challenge. Without finding this balance it is difficult to build and maintain relationships that have merit. Take the time to think through why you are involving yourself with something or someone. Know what your values are and stick by them. In your business and personal life these attributes will benefit you.
Yep, now is the time. Tons of resolutions will be made (and broken). Commitments galore! Many human beings seem to have an insatiable appetite for self-flagellation. Don’t be that guy (or girl). Here is a simple way to make some commitments and stick to them. Follow these steps and succeed! You will feel good about yourself and none of your relationships will suffer. Doesn’t that sound pretty cool?
It’s the beginning of a new year!
What does it mean to you? Many of us think about changes we would like to make, commitments we want to keep, and positive habits we want to form.
Unfortunately, many of us will stop any real progress we make in these endeavors through self-sabotage.
Here are some simple steps you can take to ensure successful goals in the upcoming year:
Find an internal motivation. Even if the initial push to change is a result of the counsel of someone else, find an internal and self-loving reason to make this change… and write it down.
Set tangible and measurable goals.
Share your goals with someone who will support you, such as a good friend, a coach or a mentor.
Keep a written account of the steps you are taking to reach these goals. No step is too small to track. Remember to celebrate your progress.
You may have heard this advice before in some form. There is a reason…
It works!
There is a ton of information and support available specifically designed to help you make the positive and permanent changes in your life. Create a strong foundation by remembering why you are seeking changes.
