A fundamental belief is that relationships are “hard work” and involve “sacrifice and compromise.” While building connections on any level can be a challenge , these negative attitudes are prevalent in today’s society because many people struggle to take responsibility for their own situations. It has become increasingly more common for people to blame someone or something else for their plight in life.

Forming unions is harder when someone is unwilling to accept that his decisions, words, and actions have a ripple effect. All relationships involve two people coming together, therefore flexibility is critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there must be “hard work” in order for a relationship to be successful. If a bond is extremely difficult to maintain, it is possible it shouldn’t exist. Before making that determination, however, it is imperative to make an honest self-appraisal.

• Taking responsibility for actions and words is key.
• Relationships are always a reflection of a person’s current state of mind.
• When someone feels conflict with another person, the first responsibility is to look within himself to determine whether he has somehow wronged the other person.
• If he discovers that his actions have been clean, he can find comfort in the awareness that his behavior or attitude is not at the root of this conflict.

Continuing to attempt to engage another person in conversations about conflicts may perpetuate the problem. At that point it can be helpful to take a step back and allow the other person the freedom to work out whatever issues they may have.Most people want to be liked; so this can be challenging. The other person may not respond positively and the disagreement may not be solved. A few points that may be helpful include:

• The only actions anyone can truly control are his own.
• Building relationships can be complicated.
• In order to build strong relationships one must take responsibility for his own actions.

With this perspective and responsibility the building and maintaining of relationships is more a challenge than a chore. Removing the fear makes the entire experience much more rewarding.

Are you having fun? Is your life filled with activities you look forward to? Most people would probably agree that anything worth doing should involve a degree of fun.  However, most of us create the majority of our lives with  “got-tos.” It’s time to focus on some of the “get-tos.”  For the sake of clarity, I will define a “get-to” as an activity you view with such a degree of excitement and enthusiasm, you can’t wait until you get to start.  Something that gives you butterflies when you think about it.

“It takes courage to play in a world that does not play.”

~Fred Donaldson

Do you find it more and more difficult to find “get-tos?”  Have the circumstances in your life become so stressful or filled with anxiety that you find very little joy throughout the day?  Have you become the dour figure you swore you would never be?  If this describes how you feel (even a little bit) make the decision to change.  Now!

Today, schedule in your next “get-to.”  This may feel ridiculous at first, but this is where your courage steps up.  The world is a balance of work and fun.  Play and toil.  It is up to you to create the balance.

Your current conditions may be difficult.  The challenges in your life may not be a great deal of fun or involve pain.  However, you have control over how you react to your life.  Even in the most difficult of times you can find something in your life to bring you joy.  Don’t let your guilt stop you from laughing.  Don’t let your seriousness stop you from a moment of silliness.  Get into the habit now of experiencing as much fun and laughter as possible.  Be the exciting, fun-machine you were born to be!

Photo Credit: sillygwailo via Flickr

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.”

~ John Maxwell

So many of us believe we find security in the status quo.  However over time, people tend to develop resentment with those they feel are holding them back from the life they really want. Many come to realize the predictability they once cherished is no longer satisfying.  Although it is easy to blame our partners for this lack of growth, it is up to us to live the life we aspire to.  It is useful to look within to determine whether you feel stifled.

Here are a few simple questions to evaluate whether you are being intellectually and emotionally stretched:

• Pay attention to your level of enthusiasm about the day ahead.  Is it high or low?
• Do the activities you participate in offer the opportunity to be exposed to people outside of your normal circle?
• Have you recently learned new information that enhances your life

If you find you are stuck in the same old routine, make the powerful decision to consciously expand your awareness. With this expansion of consciousness comes the opportunity for remarkable progress. Your relationships will be positively impacted by you making the decision to step outside of what is comfortable and challenge yourself to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Wouldn’t it be relieving to know negative patterns of behavior could be changed? Most are afraid to make any kind of transformation due to the fear of the unknown. A feeling of emotional security can be created by staying within the status quo.  Many fight for predictability even though negative patterns can be created. Sometimes years fly by before we come to the realization that we are simply living the life expected of us, as opposed to seeking new experiences and awareness.  There is a degree of comfort in traditions and knowing that preceding generations have lived the same way.  This cyclical pattern affects all aspects of life, from a sense of self worth to the quality of relationships.

If you have become aware of yourself repeating negative patterns, there are some very simple steps you can take to create positive results:

• Make a note of the pattern you want to change.
• Write down several ways how this pattern manifests in your life.
• Share this awareness with an objective person.
• Make a simple plan of specific actions you can take to change your direction.

Involving the assistance of an objective person is critical. It is difficult to maintain any honest self-appraisal. It can be a challenge for anyone who is emotionally to close to your situation to offer direct and frank advice.  With the help of a trusted friend, coach or mentor, you will discover areas of your life you may not see on your own and you will establish accountability.  With this connection, you will feel empowered and more likely to make the real changes you desire. This outside perspective will remind you how far you have come and encourage you to keep moving forward.

So start today!   Begin to notice where you act without awareness. Observe situations in which you find yourself reacting in ways you do not like.  Choose to take the simple steps to begin a new chapter in your life.  One where you live the life you really want.

“Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination.” ~ William Arthur Ward

In order to connect with limitless possibility, it is necessary to commit to creating supportive relationships.  This can involve many challenges because supportive doesn’t always mean comfortable. Creating the right relationships for success involves being stretched beyond the normal definitions of security. Positive connections create accountability to the commitments made to grow and change. It is vital to be aware of how partnerships affect thinking.  Regular evaluations of an individual’s relationships can create an environment of growth and positive change.

A Simple Assessment To Evaluate Relationships

• Does this relationship challenge my ideas?
• Do conversations support expansion of thinking or suppression of ideas?
• Does this relationship encourage compassion?

Finding the answers to these questions can provide you with tremendous insight into the condition of any relationship. Often, people will hold on to friendships and other connections because of the fear of being alone. No matter how scary honest evaluation can be, the knowledge gained from accurate appraisals is vital. With this awareness you can find a specific direction to go in to continue your personal growth. The combination of your desire to grow and a system of support makes the road a lot less treacherous.  The more we know about ourselves and our relationships, the more we can create positive attitudes, inspire action, and strengthen our resolve.

Change Your Mentality

Many are conditioned to play the victim role in relationships.  As a result of this self-defeating mentality, people find themselves living out negative patterns over and over again.  If you find yourself stuck in relationship patterns in which you feel your emotions are being controlled, there are a few things you can do to begin breaking the victim mentality.

• Make a list of the relationships which bring up negative thoughts or feelings.
• For each one, write a specific event that occurred within each relationship when you last felt stressed, angry or sad.
• As you look at each item, determine where you gave your power to the other person.
• Write down what you believe might have occurred if you stayed calm, confident and in your power.  How might it shift the dynamic within therelationship?
• Develop a simple plan of action to begin your transformation towards a more positive non-victim role in each relationship on your list.

Your Power Is Yours

If a person has the power to “make” you feel a certain way, it is because you have given your power away. It can seem as if it is impossible to remove yourself from this dynamic. It isn’t. If you want this to change you must decide it is no longer acceptable to be in this emotionally submissive position.  Don’t blame other people for your emotional state. Be responsible for the condition of your relationships and enjoy the positive change towards living authentically… no matter who you are with!

I remember one major epiphany that impacted my entire life. It was the realization that I had the power to overcome my obstacles and participate in creating a life I truly desire. All of a sudden, it seemed so simple; I needed to take responsibility for myself, define success clearly for myself and build solid relationships with supportive people. Prior to this realization, I felt like a victim of my circumstances without the power to change it. After a series of self-inflicted misfortunes and countless attempts from others to reach out, I made the decision and created real change.

The three simple steps to start your journey towards change are:

Step 1: Take Responsibility

By taking responsibility for what we can change, we open ourselves up to numerous possibilities. If we focus on having been dealt a bad hand or what others have done to us, we stay grounded in dysfunction. It is impossible to move forward while we are weighed down by misfortune; real or perceived. Taking responsibility for our part in our journey, gives us the power to start the process of real growth.

Step 2: Find a Personal Definition of Success

Many of us get caught in the trap of comparing our definition of success to others. When we clarify success for ourselves, we build a life we will truly appreciate and enjoy. When we trust our personal definition, we no longer are we subject to the judgments and opinions of others. No one is on the exact same path, so be confident in yours.

Step 3: Build Relationships with People on a Similar Path

With this new found sense of responsibility and a sense of what success is, it is vital to find support. Relationships based on shared passions and enthusiasm, help us to grow. It is not healthy to stick around those who want us to stay the same forever. Having relationships with people on a similar path of growth allows us to remain humble and teachable.

These three important steps can be the key ingredients to a solid foundation for living. With the awareness of self-responsibility, our personal definition of success and finding healthy support systems, it is much easier to create and live a life of powerful change.

I love dining on cruise ships. It is one of the best aspects of a cruise. One particular dining experience stands out to me from a cruise my family took on Royal Caribbean Liberty. This experience stands out as much for the transformation I saw the staff go through as for the actual dining itself.

In our dining room we had a headwaiter, a waiter, and a waiter’s assistant, none of whom spoke English as a first language. The headwaiter was from South Africa, the waiter from Chile, and the assistant from Peru. Some of the conversations were very interesting; especially once you throw in my “hearing challenged” father-in-law.

The Issue

My family had trouble with the assistant waiter, whose primary responsibilities consisted of serving drinks and bread. He was very slow and sometimes would act as if he heard our requests but didn’t follow through. It seemed like some things were getting lost in translation. We weren’t sure if he didn’t care or if he really didn’t understand what we were saying. Regardless, this situation became very frustrating.

The Solution

The second night our South African headwaiter asked if the service was good. She was sincerely asking too, it wasn’t the pat “I have to ask this so I’m going to” kind of question, she really wanted to know. We let her know the problems we were having. She explained to us that the assistant was new and the staff sometimes had trouble communicating with the Peruvian employees, a lot gets lost in translation. She wasn’t overly apologetic; she simply expressed her gratitude for our feedback and said it would be taken care of. From that point on, we had fantastic service. The service was already out of this world, but this simple conversation made it even better. The assistant waiter never appeared surly or angry, we never would have known if anybody had spoken with him about our complaint.

The Valuable Lesson

“Be Like a South African Waiter,” means to always have an attitude of service. Always have the mindset of “How can I help.” As common a principle as this is, it is far too often overlooked or taken for granted.   Our South African waiter was of service to us, the customers, and the assistant waiter, her employee. She wasn’t simply sucking up to my family with a false “the customer is always right” kind of attitude. She sincerely wanted to help everyone involved. As a result of her attitude, everyone was helped.

Maintaining a sincere attitude of service is valuable in all relationships. One of the quickest and most effective ways to improve self-perception is to find ways to help others. Make it a point to find a way to be of service to someone every day. It isn’t a difficult or daunting task. Some examples include:

• putting away your grocery cart
• emptying the dishwasher
• offering to help clean after a party, meeting, or gathering

The more you can be like a South African waiter, the better you will feel about yourself. As a result your relationships will improve, even those that are already good.

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”~ Carl W. Buechner

People are inspired by emotion. When we are able to feel something we are motivated. It doesn’t matter what the feeling is, in order to make a connection with another person there must be emotions involved.

It is easy to see the connection when there is a shared opinion or something about which both parties agree. What we often fail to see is the emotional connection created when we disagree. As a result of disagreements we often create destructive interactions. What if we were able to recognize the connection created as a result of these emotions? What if we were able to recognize the passion of the person with whom we disagree? I know this is idealistic but isn’t it something we could practice?

It is worth a try. Seeing past petty disagreements to find an opportunity to connect is certainly more productive than harboring resentment and fostering hatred. We may not always agree with everyone but we can certainly create an environment of love and understanding. You can practice creating harmony by:

• Showing respect for someone else’s passion. This doesn’t mean to agree with everything. Diverse opinions add richness to our experiences. This means to focus on what you love before focusing on why others are wrong. This love is what inspires others. This passion is what encourages positive change.
• Walking away from a heated exchange. Remember, you don’t always have to be “right.” It may serve everyone well to disengage from a conversation going nowhere than to get the other person to back down.
• Admit when you are wrong. Often people will allow time to heal all wounds. In reality, until a wrong is acknowledged, it doesn’t go away. The person who made the mistake spends energy covering up, the person who was affected waits for an apology. Oops, it doesn’t just go away.

Peace and harmony in relationships can be a challenge to achieve and almost impossible to maintain. Relax, no one is perfect. However, a lot of bad blood can be avoided all together by following some simple guidelines. With a little ego deflation, compatibility is a lot more likely.

You will motivate other people whether you are aware of it or not. You will elicit an emotional response. Will it be one of enthusiasm or fear? It really depends on your ability to put your genuine concern for other people’s well-being before your pride.

Fear and negativity are fed by false and negative beliefs about the motives of other people. As a result of these limiting and fearful beliefs, many people use flawed definitions of relationships, such as “Relationships are hard work” and “Relationships are 50/50,” to justify isolation and loneliness. If we see other people as enemies who are trying to take advantage of us, then it will be very difficult to feel a true sense of connection and closeness. When we are able to truly take responsibility for our decisions and actions, we can form definitions of relationships that are rooted in love and enhancement.

Relationships can certainly be complicated. When people come together at any level, there are belief systems, preferences, and motives to be acknowledged. However, the process of building and maintaining a relationship  does not have to be painful. Although it can be scary, and sometimes frustrating, building positive healthy relationships is one of the key factors in a joyous life experience. The biggest challenge is deciding whether you have the willingness to take responsibility for your behavior.

• How you live and perceive life is a choice.
• A close relationship consists of each individual’s 100%commitment to its success.
• Flexibility is essential in building strong relationships.

Relax with the awareness that you are seeking ways to improve your ability to live a joyful life. The condition of your relationships will allow happiness to be your focal point. Even when challenges arise you will be supported and loved. As your perspective improves, fear and negativity fall away. The limiting beliefs you have held onto no longer serve the purpose they once did. The responsibility you take for the conditions in your life will free you from the need to obsessive with your fear. As a result, your life will blossom.