Do you struggle with accepting different opinions?  Conflicts often begin as a result of trying to convince someone else to see a situation the same way you do.  You have every right to your opinion and the free expression of it.  It is important to remember, however, so do those with whom you don’t agree.

As people, we thrive on validation and connection.  Having our contemporaries support and understand our viewpoints feels good and keeps our hearts open.  We experience a sense of unity and advocacy.  It only becomes problematic when one party attempts to suppress the opinions of another.

Contrasting perspectives enhance life.  Although it may be rare for someone to change their mind, being exposed to differing beliefs can be very healthy as we learn to become explorers in this complex and multi-faceted world we live in.  Through listening to someone else’s ideas we may choose to create positive change in our life, or it may strengthen our current decisions and personal power.

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”     ~ Stacey Charter

To be able to accept another person’s opinion is a symptom of healthy self-acceptance.  It is always good to know who you are, what you believe, and why you have the perspectives you do.  Enjoy sharing your insights, and even more importantly, learn to enjoy listening to the insights of others.  All of this enriches life.

An important part of this definition is learning to create enough flexibility to change direction when it will benefit you and the people with whom you are involved. It is important to have principles and convictions to live by. It is equally important  to have the ability to differentiate between contrasting opinions and fundamental disagreements of principle.

When you compromise principles in order to have a relationship, a tremendous amount of energy can be wasted trying to convince the other person your opinions are right. When you form relationships with people you are emotionally compatible with, you can recognize differences in opinion without becoming angry. Your opinions, principles, and definitions of happiness have been formed through your life experiences. When these definitions are solid, there is less of a need to defend them. As a result of not being defensive, you will be much more open to the opinions of others. With this openness, you can attract people into your life with whom you can build strong relationships, even if you don’t agree on everything.You are also able to avoid potentially harmful relationships. You stay in touch with the only life you need to concern yourself with: your own.

Exercise

Make a wish list of the kind of life you want. How do you envision your relationships in five years? What steps could you take today to begin living that life?

Anyone is capable of reaching a state of openness and vulnerability.When a person has a desire to connect with others, he can then find the courage to begin taking a look at the blocks standing in his way. He will seek out people who can help him change his perceptions and preconceived judgments. He can discover what is truly important and begin to build a life based on the solid foundation of these principles. Intimacy will begin to become more of a natural state of being rather than something avoided. Finally, he can realize that through every intimate relationship formed, he becomes more and more capable of achieving the life of his dreams.

• People remain stuck in a pattern of unhappiness when they are slaves to their fears.
• A key to responding positively to fear is establishing clear communication.
• A major challenge in establishing intimacy is learning to let go of fearful thinking.

A simple exercise to begin the process of letting go of fears that negatively affect relationships includes:

1. List five fears you know have affected your relationships
2. List five fearful behaviors you have changed and the effect this has had on your relationships. If you can’t think of any, list some fearful behaviors you want to change.
3. Commit to letting go of at least one irrational fear you have held on to. Begin the process of letting go of this fear immediately. Consult with someone to devise a plan of action.

These simple tools can make a tremendous difference in anyone’s ability to establish closer relationships. It is possible to break the cycle of loneliness and isolation. These tools can be a powerful beginning.

If someone only focuses on anger, rather than dealing with what is causing an angry reaction, a negative pattern is left unresolved. Only looking at symptoms doesn’t create real and lasting change.

In a routine physical, one of the first things the doctor does is the reflex test. The doctor takes the rubber mallet and gently raps the knee. The leg instinctively kicks out as a reaction to this strike. If the doctor is standing in front he may take a direct kick as a result of this reaction. How the reflexes respond gives the doctor some insight into a person’s overall condition. If something is wrong, the doctor will take the opportunity to see if there is a more serious problem.

When people hold onto a high level of fear, most of their perceptions are illogical; and they find it difficult to find people they can trust. In fact, they find people to be generally untrustworthy; therefore, they continue to attract people into their lives that reinforce this belief. They are on the whole unhappy and feel lonely. In order to be removed from this cycle of reaction:

• a person must recognize that living in a constant state of fearful neurosis perpetuates loneliness
• it is vital to realize anger hinders the ability to connect with anything positive. This includes people, places, and joyful experiences
• there must be a desire to create a more positive outlook

It is possible to develop positive techniques to deal with anger. It begins with a sincere desire to change. When someone decides to make this transition the first steps toward a solution have already been made.

Photo Credit:Svadilfari via: Flickr

Often the adults in a household have the freedom to scream, holler, rant, and rave; but when their child so much as raises her voice, she is punished.

Consider the mixed message sent to the child. An adult has the right to express his or her emotions in any way seen fit; but a child is worth less than an adult, therefore, she must learn to behave herself and be quiet.

The parent rationalizes this with the idea he is teaching his child respect or discipline. The parent is probably living out of his own negative family scripting.

He is teaching his child a very dangerous coping mechanism, how to misplace her emotions. The child is upset or angry, but is told she cannot express her feelings. No matter what the child was upset about initially, her anger will be directed at her parents. This misplaced anger will be manifested in some way, shape, or form. No human being is able to bottle up feelings and maintain any semblance of mental or emotional well-being. These emotions come out at some point.

• A key to ending negative scripting patterns within a family is to create a safe and loving environment.

• When the focus of parenting is on the relationship it is easier to avoid unrealistic expectations.

• A child’s feelings are as real and powerful as an adult’s; they should not be discounted.

Three Tips To Encourage Positive Communication With Children

1. Remember children’s feelings are as powerful as adults but kids lack the same coping skills
2. Children who are free to express emotions at home are less likely to act out away from home, provide them with a safe place to vent their feelings
3. Support children, don’t try to change the way they feel

Emotions aren’t right or wrong. When children have the freedom to talk about their feelings they will, most likely, talk. Adults should remain aware to not judge a child’s emotions, the child will process the feelings if given the chance.

Photo Credit: Kris Hoet via: Flickr

In reality, parenting is subjective. Despite numerous sources from which ways of thinking or philosophies are gleaned, how an individual chooses to parent is primarily dictated by the personalities of the children being parented.

Rather than trying to fit perfectly within a particular parenting philosophy,one could make an effort to learn from as many resources as possible. That doesn’t mean change on a whim; it means to be in a position to respond to children’s ever-changing needs.

Paying too much attention to “normal” developmental stages puts an unnecessary amount of pressure on the parent and the child. It is important to keep in mind that children want to be close to their parents. They have a sincere desire to please their care-givers.

Sometimes this desire to please becomes a struggle for independence because children want to prove they are able to take care of themselves. If a parent is able to keep this in mind there will be less of a need to control the child’s behavior to fit a chosen parenting philosophy.

Far too often what gets lost in the minutiae of parenting is the relationship between the parent and the child. There are many ways to gauge whether or not this is happening. Some questions include:

• Does a lot of energy get spent trying to make sure the child fits the “normal” developmental standards?

• Is there an attempt to strictly adhere to any one parenting philosophy?

• Are expectations based on the personality of the child or on what others say should be expected of the child?

The parent-child relationship can feel very complicated at times. One way to facilitate a harmonious and productive relationship is for the parent to deal with his own emotions first. When able to do this, the urge to control the behavior of someone else is greatly reduced. This is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but it is certainly an ideal worth shooting for.
Photo: © Copyright Adrian Bailey and
licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

Most people grow up with a vision of what they want their family to look or feel like. This can be especially true for those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds. In order for someone to create relationships grounded in a healthy ideal, it is vital to have a definition based on a personal definition of happiness and success .

Ideally, a person’s closest relatives provide his safest relationships. Unfortunately this is not the case for many. Due to faulty scripting, behaviors influenced by culture or relatives, many people accept negative or toxic relationship patterns because they are familiar. This lack of connection or unity at home becomes expected. It is critical to not assume that a relationship is healthy simply due to being related. Sometimes, people take for granted those to whom they are related to will accept any behavior.

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” ~ Jane Howard

Three Tips To Improve Family Relationships

1. Write down a brief description of the ideal family. Focus on the emotional characteristics.
2. Write down a couple of positive characteristics developed from your upbringing (even if this consists of what not to do).
3. Write a brief description of how you want to be in the context of your family relationships, what kind of partner, parent, child, sibling, etc. Choose the relationship roles that apply to you.

No one has to accept the status quo.If you have found yourself dissatisfied with the condition of your relationships at home their are steps you can take. For anyone to believe they are unable to initiate a significant change in the way relationships are formed is tremendous self-deception. It is possible to create the family relationships you want. This process begins by focusing on who you can actually change. The one person you can change is you.

Do you want your friendships to have more meaning? Do you have a desire to feel supported in reaching your goals? Then make a commitment to connect more effectively.

All things in life are enriched when we are able to share them. There is a tremendous amount of power in the connection made between two people. This power is increased when we are connected to many more people. In order to make these connections, we must be willing to make ourselves vulnerable. We must have a desire to be intimately involved in people’s lives. We must commit to removing whatever obstacles stand in our way.

Most people we meet will have some level of desire to be joyful and loving individuals.

What separates a person with this desire from someone who actually fulfills this desire is the commitment to change. This commitment creates action. Through taking positive action, our lives will change. Experiencing instant results from taking simple actions is extremely rewarding. There is no greater gratification than the feeling that comes from accomplishing a goal. What makes this feeling even sweeter is being able to share it with people who have a genuine concern for our well-being. The more meaningful friendships we are able to create and maintain, the deeper  joy is able to penetrate all levels of our being. Truly happy people seek opportunities to share the gifts they have been given. To be able to share knowledge and information creates a positive impact on large circles of people.

Any strong and meaningful friendship is built on the foundation of fun, genuine concern, and support. Friendships grow through shared experiences. They also enrich life because of the reinforcement ofconnection and commonality. Happiness isn’t determined by the number of friendships a person has, rather by the depth and quality of those relationships. It is dangerous to judge how connected someone is solely by the number of contacts in their database. Without shared goals, beliefs, or experiences there is no relationship. Forget about numbers, focus on connection.

Photo Credit by: by gerrygoal2008 via Flickr

Romantic relationships can be subjects that are terrifying to talk about. However, it is critical to have open and honest discussions about this subject in order to find a healthy definition of a relationship that works. People often repeat destructive romance patterns due to an unwillingness to examine the limiting beliefs and faulty scripts that dictate romantic attraction and desire.Unfortunately, negative patterns can create a false sense of security. With a strong commitment to improve, it is possible to change these patterns permanently.

Ideally,  partnerships are formed by the combination of physical attraction, emotional compatibility, and spiritual connection.

Romantic relationships involve a tremendous amount of personal responsibility. There is no other type of relationship that requires a higher degree of intimacy. When people enter a romantic relationship without an awareness of the responsibility involved, people get unnecessarily hurt.  If people commit themselves to improving their lives and their relationships, their attitude toward romance will change for the better.

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but always perfect for you.”

~ Author Unknown

The key to any healthy romantic relationship is the willingness to take responsibility for all decisions, actions, and responses.

By answering a couple of simple questions, a degree of clarity can be achieved.

1. What qualities would the ideal relationship possess? (This can include physical, emotional and spiritual qualities)

2. How important is it to be a secure individual before entering a romantic relationship?

3. How does a healthy relationship enhance a person’s life?

Although emotions are at the center of a romantic relationship, they can cloud judgment.  It is critical to have a clear perspective on a healthy romance before being intimately involved with anyone. In the spirit of spring cleaning relationships, take inventory of how an intimate relationship is defined.

Once this definition is established one can remove the clutter of limiting beliefs and attract a perefect relationship defined by success and happiness. This is the kind of a romantic relationship everyone deserves.

Photo Credit:fujisan3 (Mr.mt) via Flickr

Today begins “Spring Cleaning Your Relationships” month.Between now and Mother’s Day, I will be sharing some simple tips and tools based on spring cleaning basics to repair or enhance any relationship. These tips and tools will be here, on my Facebook page, my Twitter posts, my You Tube channel, and my Weekly Perspectives on clintstonebraker.com. I would love for all of you to participate, so please make comments, ask questions, or just read along.I will also be making several appearances around Atlanta beginning on April 21st at The Coffee Pot in Alpharetta, Georgia. You can view my current schedule at clintstonebraker.com.

The Premise

Basic spring cleaning techniques involve removing clutter, organizing, scrubbing and polishing. We all know, getting started is the hardest part, yet in the end, we usually feel a whole lot better about our environment and ourselves. It is possible to apply these same simple methods to improve our relationships. Any spouse, romantic partner, friend, family member, boss or employee can immediately improve the quality of their relationships by following these four spring-cleaning basics:

• remove the clutter (identify limiting beliefs)
• organize (acknowledge and prioritize your needs)
• scrub what’s dirty (take responsibility for one’s own behavior)
• polish everything (pay close attention to everyday interactions)

How It Will Work

My posts over the next month will have a little different focus each week.

• Week 1 (next week) will focus on romance and marriage
• Week 2 will focus on  friendship
• Week 3 will focus on business/work relationships
• Week 4 will focus on family relationships

Check in often and participate. I look forward to hearing from all of you as we strengthen our connecting skills and Spring Clean Our Relationships!